gosh..
feeling alot these days..
miss SYCO..
miss everyone..
miss those days we prac-ed together...
first time in months..
im feeling very very lost..
everything's in a mess...
i dunno wad to do..
cried again today..
for no reason..
i read xueqi's blog..
tot of ystd..
and cried..
i miss those days..
if it weren't for my parents..
if i cld produce better results..
i'ld haf been the one up there ystd..
together with the whole bunch of them..
sharing that sense of achievement..
i dun wanna leave..
i wanna stay in SYCO..
why izit that it's so hard to convince my parents?!
felt so sad..
cldn't do anything right..
gotta drop my physics..
and i heben told my parents..
xianyue camp coming up and i still cant give them an answer...
the concert was great...
superb songs..
everything..
but im not part of it..
admire them..
really really do..
wish i cld step back up on stage..
saw mr quek at the autograph session...
he was kinda shocked to see me there..
he asked why dint i go back..
i cldn't reply..
i feel so ashamed to do so...
i dunno wad to say to him..
acting associate principal..
but still...
im in-charge..
i told him we were putting up zhan ma...
we all indicated we will be performing..
but we all left...
left without yuan yang tho..
too many stuff to say..
duno where to start..
miss everyone..
days in sy..
most memorable in my life..
not for the sake of saying it..
but truely..
i'll never ever forget those days..
days we joked together with zhao jian hua lao shi...
the 'sexy-horse' incident with xunqi..
the 'xunqi-goes-to-the-gym' incident..
our frequent 'syco erhu toilet outings'..
our fight for yuan yang's jacket cos its freezing..
our combined pracs..
how it freezed in the exhibition halls...
mr quek's treat of sweets and chocos...
mr quek's joke abt 'sweet potatoes'...
mr quek's lecture..
our supper outings to lau pa sat..
tt time when we volunteered to hlp at young stars concert..
we acting as the music plays..
the first time we played tian wang as an orchestra..
the praises after our first tian wang...
our first prac in the concert hall..
our first time together with MD tsung yeh...
mr yeh's humour..
his expressions..
how he jumped on the conductor's stand..
the sentence tt we gotta be a little crazy to be a good musician..
our concert day..
our nervousness...
the moment backstage...
how i gotta lead my side up on stage..
how i gotta lead everyone to stand when mr quek comes in..
how i got to sit beside zhao jian hua..
how mr quek presented me with his flowers...
those are little things to others...
but to me..
they will always be there in my heart...
it is going to stay in there for the rest of my life..
even when my memory starts to fail me..
im certain tt this part of my life will never be erased...
i truely missed those days...
i try to make everyone think tt im okay with withdrawing from SYCO..
but now i realised its getting harder each day..
many people asked why i withdrew..
even people who dint know me well...
they said they were shocked..
they said it isn't me..
i dun seem like the sort who will stop sy after half a year..
im sick of repeating myself..
and sick of pretending..
i gotta fake on a smile and tell them..
my parents wan me to study..
its hard..
but wad can i do?!?
you guys dunno how much i envy u all...
yuan yang claims his mum forced him to continue..
he dint like tt..
but he doesn't know how much i envy him..
how much i wished i could be him..
his parents so supportive of him..
i still remembered wat mr quek said to my mum the other time..
after our june concert..
wen we were taking photos..
he said thank you..
thank you for supporting your child..
excuse me?!
my parents dun understand me..
they wan me to study..
get good grades..
get into university and graduate with a good degree...
they wan me to be armed with a good degree and get a good job..
wait..
i tot i was old enuf to plan for my future..
but this isnt what i want..
THIS IS WHAT U WANT..
what i wan doesnt require me to be an NUS graduate..
i cant excel in my studies..
the only thing i can excel in is music..
why cannt i go towards that?!
singapore has been trying so hard to open up music to all..
why cant i hlp singapore realise this?
if i cant make it in my studies why force me?
force me to study..
force my to give up my dream..
force me to be demoralised for the rest of my life?
making me think tt im useless..
making me think i cant excel in anything when i actually can..
Central Conservatory of Music is my dream...
SCO is my future..
and SYCO is a bridge to realising my dream and future..
its where i can understand more of my dream before i go for it..
its where i can shine for the time being..
its where i can get more opportunities to performing and exposure...
its where my heart is..
its where i belong..
ting kai msged me a few days ago..
asked me to go back nxt yr..
i promised him i'll be back 2 yr later..
if they still wan me..
he said the doors will always be open for me..
it is the first time someone said this kinda words to me..
not as in abt an orchestra..
but in general..
not tt im feeling im indispensable now..
but at least im reassured..
tho its not by some da pai..
tho its juz mere ke qi hua from a friend..
but at least i know im not forgotten...
ting kai msged me again last nite..
thanked me for being there..
watching him and stuff..
i told him he was superb..
and he said it could be my turn nxt nxt yr..
how i wished... ... ...
tonight is the SYCO chalet and BBQ..
how i wished i could be there..
i'll be extra..
but at least it will be my last chance to officially be part of SYCO...
enjoying the warmth of SYCO...
they are now out there at east coast..
enjoying themselves..
and im here at home..
facing the hard surface of the laptop and feeling the coldness of the walls around me..
i miss everyone..
SYCO 2005 has made a great impact on me..
changed my life..
made me realise what izit tt i wan in life..
made me see more clearly my goal in life..
SYCO days will never be forgotten..
friends will always be friends..
i'll never forget the days..
and the people who have guided me..
mr quek ling kiong..
zhao jian hua lao shi..
seniors of syco..
friends of syco..
taught me what reallie is in an orchestra..
taught me how to improve..
taught me what is friendship..
THANK YOU EVERYONE ! !
